My Nightmare

*Warning: Brief and vague sexual content.

*This is part 5 of the "How We Met" section.

So I left off with me pushed into a very desperate situation that was going to force me to immediately change everything. Some of you might say I deserved to be "outted" and that anything that happened was too good for me. Some of you might think I'm a home wrecker.

There is always more going on behind the scenes of a play than the audience is ever aware of and so too is it the way of life. So for the sake of you being able to fully understand my story, my life, I'm going to lay out what it was like. For me and for John. So here's my nightmare:

I met my ex when we were in high school. We were both 15 and a half. We started dating and got really serious. He was my first real serious boyfriend. Not just the kind you see at school and sit with, but the kind you kiss and lose your virginity to and see all the time. I didn't have the best living situation growing up. Both of my parents were alcoholics and left me and my brother to do what we liked. I was usually responsible for watching my baby sister as well. I'm not one to make excuses for anything. I actually can't stand it when someone is always like "poor me, the world is against me, I'm the victim, etc, etc."  I believe that no matter what situation you are in you are fully capable of making your own choices and changing your life for the better. Only you have the power to decide where your life goes and what your life is going to be like.

Well that's what I did. I took control. So at 16 or 17 (I'm not sure exactly when) I moved out of my parent's place and in with my boyfriend. I couldn't take the fighting and drinking and being the adult in comparison to my parents. I would still watch my sister as much as I could because she was so little. I couldn't bare to just leave her defenseless and watched by god knows who while they went out and partied. Because at that point they would have went out even if I had been on my death bed. So I took her to my boyfriend's place every weekend, or I would go to my grandmother's on weekends with her. 

So to sum it all up, I was in a real relationship at a very young age. Had I had a better home life I probably would not have stayed with my ex. But by the time we got into college we were both so busy that the only thing I could focus on was my studies. I didn't examine our relationship and decide if I was happy. I assumed I was happy. We were best friends, in the beginning anyway, and I had my mind set on the goals I wanted to accomplish. We got married before we graduated college, mostly because I knew once I got into the classes for my program there would be no time for anything else. I did not want to have to plan a wedding during my program or even after once I started my career and was working a ton. I had two years of college left when we got married. Again, I thought I was happy. But being content is not the same as being happy and fulfilled. 

Even so, it doesn't sound so bad, does it? Well the part that was bad has not been mentioned yet.

First off we were not communicating. And by that I mean speaking at all. I was studying most of the time and he was playing games. Yes, video games. Most specifically, a computer game called World of Warcraft. So what? He plays games while I'm studying. What else is he suppose to do? Well he could have been doing his own damn homework and papers. He'd have the nerve to get me to write his papers even while I had a ton of my own things to do for my program. I'd do it some times just because I didn't want him in college for ever. Also, when I was on break or had free time from school work I would try to spend it with him. I would ask him to go on walks or watch a movie or whatever. But he rarely ever wanted to do anything with me. He was in his own world. So I would go hang out with my sister or do an art project or something. It got to a point that I stopped asking him to spend time with me. Something worse than being unhappy or hating someone is apathy. I just did not care any more. By the end of our first year of marriage I knew we made a mistake. I knew I was not where I wanted to be. We would have conversations about it too. Don't think I just sat back and bit my tongue. I told him how I felt. He would make efforts for about a month then go back to his own corner of the universe. If he would have been honest with himself, he would have known the same things as I did. 

So his attitude sounds like someone that is bored, right? Bingo. He was bored with me. And instead of trying to figure it out logically and come to the same conclusion as I did (that we shouldn't stay together) he convinced me that what we needed was excitement in the bedroom. I still had a year of college left so my mind was 80% focused on school and those goals. And being unhappy with him I was willing to do anything. He convinced me to bring other people into our sex life. At first I was appalled. I couldn't imagine doing anything with someone else. I had never really wanted to do anything like that. And to be honest, when I look back, I don't know why I was shocked. He had always tried to get me to do things like that here and there. Kiss a friend or whatever. I thought we were all just being young and stupid and having fun. He was serious. So I stupidly went along with it. It didn't last long... just long enough to meet John. There was one other couple before I met John, but that only happened a couple of times. 

I really don't know what my ex expected to happen. We were both looking for something other than each other and I was the only one brave enough to admit it. He only wanted to stay with me because I was the safety net. He didn't want to be alone. He'd rather be unhappy with me than be alone searching for someone to be happy with. Pathetic.

I was the strong one. Not strong enough or smart enough to break away sooner but still. I got away. But some things happened before I did. He dragged me to that club. The one where couples meet other couples. The not PG13 place I mentioned earlier. I wanted to leave immediately. He told me no. What was I going to do? He drove.

It just so happened that fate, karma, God, or someone wanted me to be there because that is where I met the person I'd spend the rest of my life with. My actual partner in life. John had been dragged into the same situation. And you might think only guys are dragging their wives to that, but NO. Emphatically NO. But I'll tell you John's story later.

The only way to sum up the reason why I couldn't stay with my ex, other than I didn't really love him, is I felt like I was being used. I felt like bait. I'm not bad looking. He's not the best looking. He felt like I could reel in girls he could have fun with. That is what I was. Maybe not so much the safety net as I was the only way he was going to get action else where. I knew I wanted out. But how?

I met my way out that night in that dark noisy club. I met the only person I should have ever been with all along. I met John.