*This is part 6 of the "How We Met" section.
I explained to the best of my ability my situation with my ex-husband. Now I'm going to explain to the best of my ability my husband, John's, situation.
John had met his ex Ashley when she was 18 and he was 25. She soon became pregnant and toward the end of her pregnancy he married her to do the right thing and to be able to cover her and the child on insurance. He now knows this was a mistake and knew then it was but didn't realize how big of a mistake he was making. He figured he made his bed and had to lay in it. His mother even told him not to marry her, that plenty of people have children out of wed lock.... that is saying something. But he went ahead and did what he thought was the right thing to do.
During their relationship Ashley would not work. She stayed home to take care of the baby. She also partied, slept late, refused to clean the house, and went out with her friends. Among many other things, she also drank. A lot. And would go party with different people and men. She was underage and drinking whenever she wanted. John felt like he had no control. He worked full time and then some. He was trying to provide for his family. He thought he'd get her to stop behaving this way, that she was just young. But she kept doing it. She did not want to grow up and take care of her family. He gave her many opportunities to change and go to college in the evening. He supported her and tried to make her become a better person and mother. But she wanted to party. She did what she wanted. John had even caught her kissing other guys and once on Father's Day a woman knocked on his door (Ashley was still asleep upstairs) and tells him that she doesn't want his wife around her son any more because they've had sex and now he's following her around like a puppy while she's just playing with his feelings. He proceeded to confront her and she denied the whole thing. He knew of course it was true. But he had a child. What could he do? He felt so lost and weak.
Now from my perspective this is BS. Who the heck puts up with that crap!? It's really hard not to judge someone, especially someone you love, for things like this. He didn't deserve any of the things she put him through. But he'd lay down and take it. He was miserable but did not know how to escape. I am only able to process this kind of stuff because I too did not know how to get out of my situation.
Anyway, this continued. They had a second child. He gave her many ultimatums and she'd calm down her actions for a while. But things just went on to be bad with her not working, not taking care of the kids properly or the house, not cooking meals for their family, partying, drinking, drugs (yes drugs, coke and weed specifically), the men she'd be around and cheat on him with, etc. And many many worse things. There are so many details that I could not possibly sit here and lay them all out. And you probably wouldn't believe me if I did.
These are the types of things that sound so ridiculous that it can't be true. Or that I am only saying these things because I'm his wife and I hate his ex. Well, that part is true. I do hate her. For many reasons but none are just because she's "the ex." The staggering amount of things she has done we have evidence of. Physical evidence that we have till this day. I am not bias, exaggerating, or lying. I don't have to. I only wish I were for the children's sake. But that is neither here nor there.
The point is he was stuck in his own hell that he did not know how to get out of but knew he wanted to get out. All he needed was motivation. He found that motivation the night we met. The night she dragged him to that club on the threat that if he did not go, she would go without him and he could wonder who all she was with. I saved him from his hell. And he saved me.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
My Nightmare
*Warning: Brief and vague sexual content.
*This is part 5 of the "How We Met" section.
So I left off with me pushed into a very desperate situation that was going to force me to immediately change everything. Some of you might say I deserved to be "outted" and that anything that happened was too good for me. Some of you might think I'm a home wrecker.
There is always more going on behind the scenes of a play than the audience is ever aware of and so too is it the way of life. So for the sake of you being able to fully understand my story, my life, I'm going to lay out what it was like. For me and for John. So here's my nightmare:
I met my ex when we were in high school. We were both 15 and a half. We started dating and got really serious. He was my first real serious boyfriend. Not just the kind you see at school and sit with, but the kind you kiss and lose your virginity to and see all the time. I didn't have the best living situation growing up. Both of my parents were alcoholics and left me and my brother to do what we liked. I was usually responsible for watching my baby sister as well. I'm not one to make excuses for anything. I actually can't stand it when someone is always like "poor me, the world is against me, I'm the victim, etc, etc." I believe that no matter what situation you are in you are fully capable of making your own choices and changing your life for the better. Only you have the power to decide where your life goes and what your life is going to be like.
Well that's what I did. I took control. So at 16 or 17 (I'm not sure exactly when) I moved out of my parent's place and in with my boyfriend. I couldn't take the fighting and drinking and being the adult in comparison to my parents. I would still watch my sister as much as I could because she was so little. I couldn't bare to just leave her defenseless and watched by god knows who while they went out and partied. Because at that point they would have went out even if I had been on my death bed. So I took her to my boyfriend's place every weekend, or I would go to my grandmother's on weekends with her.
So to sum it all up, I was in a real relationship at a very young age. Had I had a better home life I probably would not have stayed with my ex. But by the time we got into college we were both so busy that the only thing I could focus on was my studies. I didn't examine our relationship and decide if I was happy. I assumed I was happy. We were best friends, in the beginning anyway, and I had my mind set on the goals I wanted to accomplish. We got married before we graduated college, mostly because I knew once I got into the classes for my program there would be no time for anything else. I did not want to have to plan a wedding during my program or even after once I started my career and was working a ton. I had two years of college left when we got married. Again, I thought I was happy. But being content is not the same as being happy and fulfilled.
Even so, it doesn't sound so bad, does it? Well the part that was bad has not been mentioned yet.
First off we were not communicating. And by that I mean speaking at all. I was studying most of the time and he was playing games. Yes, video games. Most specifically, a computer game called World of Warcraft. So what? He plays games while I'm studying. What else is he suppose to do? Well he could have been doing his own damn homework and papers. He'd have the nerve to get me to write his papers even while I had a ton of my own things to do for my program. I'd do it some times just because I didn't want him in college for ever. Also, when I was on break or had free time from school work I would try to spend it with him. I would ask him to go on walks or watch a movie or whatever. But he rarely ever wanted to do anything with me. He was in his own world. So I would go hang out with my sister or do an art project or something. It got to a point that I stopped asking him to spend time with me. Something worse than being unhappy or hating someone is apathy. I just did not care any more. By the end of our first year of marriage I knew we made a mistake. I knew I was not where I wanted to be. We would have conversations about it too. Don't think I just sat back and bit my tongue. I told him how I felt. He would make efforts for about a month then go back to his own corner of the universe. If he would have been honest with himself, he would have known the same things as I did.
So his attitude sounds like someone that is bored, right? Bingo. He was bored with me. And instead of trying to figure it out logically and come to the same conclusion as I did (that we shouldn't stay together) he convinced me that what we needed was excitement in the bedroom. I still had a year of college left so my mind was 80% focused on school and those goals. And being unhappy with him I was willing to do anything. He convinced me to bring other people into our sex life. At first I was appalled. I couldn't imagine doing anything with someone else. I had never really wanted to do anything like that. And to be honest, when I look back, I don't know why I was shocked. He had always tried to get me to do things like that here and there. Kiss a friend or whatever. I thought we were all just being young and stupid and having fun. He was serious. So I stupidly went along with it. It didn't last long... just long enough to meet John. There was one other couple before I met John, but that only happened a couple of times.
I really don't know what my ex expected to happen. We were both looking for something other than each other and I was the only one brave enough to admit it. He only wanted to stay with me because I was the safety net. He didn't want to be alone. He'd rather be unhappy with me than be alone searching for someone to be happy with. Pathetic.
I was the strong one. Not strong enough or smart enough to break away sooner but still. I got away. But some things happened before I did. He dragged me to that club. The one where couples meet other couples. The not PG13 place I mentioned earlier. I wanted to leave immediately. He told me no. What was I going to do? He drove.
It just so happened that fate, karma, God, or someone wanted me to be there because that is where I met the person I'd spend the rest of my life with. My actual partner in life. John had been dragged into the same situation. And you might think only guys are dragging their wives to that, but NO. Emphatically NO. But I'll tell you John's story later.
The only way to sum up the reason why I couldn't stay with my ex, other than I didn't really love him, is I felt like I was being used. I felt like bait. I'm not bad looking. He's not the best looking. He felt like I could reel in girls he could have fun with. That is what I was. Maybe not so much the safety net as I was the only way he was going to get action else where. I knew I wanted out. But how?
I met my way out that night in that dark noisy club. I met the only person I should have ever been with all along. I met John.
*This is part 5 of the "How We Met" section.
So I left off with me pushed into a very desperate situation that was going to force me to immediately change everything. Some of you might say I deserved to be "outted" and that anything that happened was too good for me. Some of you might think I'm a home wrecker.
There is always more going on behind the scenes of a play than the audience is ever aware of and so too is it the way of life. So for the sake of you being able to fully understand my story, my life, I'm going to lay out what it was like. For me and for John. So here's my nightmare:
I met my ex when we were in high school. We were both 15 and a half. We started dating and got really serious. He was my first real serious boyfriend. Not just the kind you see at school and sit with, but the kind you kiss and lose your virginity to and see all the time. I didn't have the best living situation growing up. Both of my parents were alcoholics and left me and my brother to do what we liked. I was usually responsible for watching my baby sister as well. I'm not one to make excuses for anything. I actually can't stand it when someone is always like "poor me, the world is against me, I'm the victim, etc, etc." I believe that no matter what situation you are in you are fully capable of making your own choices and changing your life for the better. Only you have the power to decide where your life goes and what your life is going to be like.
Well that's what I did. I took control. So at 16 or 17 (I'm not sure exactly when) I moved out of my parent's place and in with my boyfriend. I couldn't take the fighting and drinking and being the adult in comparison to my parents. I would still watch my sister as much as I could because she was so little. I couldn't bare to just leave her defenseless and watched by god knows who while they went out and partied. Because at that point they would have went out even if I had been on my death bed. So I took her to my boyfriend's place every weekend, or I would go to my grandmother's on weekends with her.
So to sum it all up, I was in a real relationship at a very young age. Had I had a better home life I probably would not have stayed with my ex. But by the time we got into college we were both so busy that the only thing I could focus on was my studies. I didn't examine our relationship and decide if I was happy. I assumed I was happy. We were best friends, in the beginning anyway, and I had my mind set on the goals I wanted to accomplish. We got married before we graduated college, mostly because I knew once I got into the classes for my program there would be no time for anything else. I did not want to have to plan a wedding during my program or even after once I started my career and was working a ton. I had two years of college left when we got married. Again, I thought I was happy. But being content is not the same as being happy and fulfilled.
Even so, it doesn't sound so bad, does it? Well the part that was bad has not been mentioned yet.
First off we were not communicating. And by that I mean speaking at all. I was studying most of the time and he was playing games. Yes, video games. Most specifically, a computer game called World of Warcraft. So what? He plays games while I'm studying. What else is he suppose to do? Well he could have been doing his own damn homework and papers. He'd have the nerve to get me to write his papers even while I had a ton of my own things to do for my program. I'd do it some times just because I didn't want him in college for ever. Also, when I was on break or had free time from school work I would try to spend it with him. I would ask him to go on walks or watch a movie or whatever. But he rarely ever wanted to do anything with me. He was in his own world. So I would go hang out with my sister or do an art project or something. It got to a point that I stopped asking him to spend time with me. Something worse than being unhappy or hating someone is apathy. I just did not care any more. By the end of our first year of marriage I knew we made a mistake. I knew I was not where I wanted to be. We would have conversations about it too. Don't think I just sat back and bit my tongue. I told him how I felt. He would make efforts for about a month then go back to his own corner of the universe. If he would have been honest with himself, he would have known the same things as I did.
So his attitude sounds like someone that is bored, right? Bingo. He was bored with me. And instead of trying to figure it out logically and come to the same conclusion as I did (that we shouldn't stay together) he convinced me that what we needed was excitement in the bedroom. I still had a year of college left so my mind was 80% focused on school and those goals. And being unhappy with him I was willing to do anything. He convinced me to bring other people into our sex life. At first I was appalled. I couldn't imagine doing anything with someone else. I had never really wanted to do anything like that. And to be honest, when I look back, I don't know why I was shocked. He had always tried to get me to do things like that here and there. Kiss a friend or whatever. I thought we were all just being young and stupid and having fun. He was serious. So I stupidly went along with it. It didn't last long... just long enough to meet John. There was one other couple before I met John, but that only happened a couple of times.
I really don't know what my ex expected to happen. We were both looking for something other than each other and I was the only one brave enough to admit it. He only wanted to stay with me because I was the safety net. He didn't want to be alone. He'd rather be unhappy with me than be alone searching for someone to be happy with. Pathetic.
I was the strong one. Not strong enough or smart enough to break away sooner but still. I got away. But some things happened before I did. He dragged me to that club. The one where couples meet other couples. The not PG13 place I mentioned earlier. I wanted to leave immediately. He told me no. What was I going to do? He drove.
It just so happened that fate, karma, God, or someone wanted me to be there because that is where I met the person I'd spend the rest of my life with. My actual partner in life. John had been dragged into the same situation. And you might think only guys are dragging their wives to that, but NO. Emphatically NO. But I'll tell you John's story later.
The only way to sum up the reason why I couldn't stay with my ex, other than I didn't really love him, is I felt like I was being used. I felt like bait. I'm not bad looking. He's not the best looking. He felt like I could reel in girls he could have fun with. That is what I was. Maybe not so much the safety net as I was the only way he was going to get action else where. I knew I wanted out. But how?
I met my way out that night in that dark noisy club. I met the only person I should have ever been with all along. I met John.
And Then There Were Two
*This is part 4 of the "How We Met" section
The day everything happened was quite a lovely day, really. It was the end of July, the weather was warm, the sun was out. I had a habit of checking my phone at random hours, including if I woke up to pee or anything in the middle of the night. It was approximately 5 A.M. when I looked at my phone. I had a text from John with the message "911!!!!" We had jokingly one night decided that if we were ever discovered talking about what our lives might be like together that the one who was found out would text the other "911" as a sign that all hell broke loose. I never thought we'd have to use that. We both had lives we needed to break away from but it had to be done tactfully and within time. We were both terribly unhappy, however, we did not know the best way to break away from that situation since we both had been in it for so long.
I was stunned. I also had another text from Ashley, John's wife. This message was cryptic stating something along the lines she found our texts and would be forwarding them to my husband (we'll call him Nick). I panicked. I had not planned this. I ran into the living room and deleted messages she forwarded Nick, then laid back down. I had no idea how, but I knew I was going to have to tell him. When we woke up I told him everything. Everything involved a car ride with him screaming at me. I did not feel much of anything except that same stunned feeling. We were living at his family's house during this time because we were both going to college. I freaked out. I didn't know how I was going to get all my stuff out of that house in front of all his family. A very awkward and uncomfortable situation, but one I knew was coming eventually. My husband and I should have never been married for reason I'll go into later. I think he even knew we didn't belong together in the end, but some people are so afraid of change that they'd rather be unhappy than to create a new life for themselves.
I had no choice but to jump in the icy cold waters of change and swim toward something that was unknown, exciting, and terrifying.
The day everything happened was quite a lovely day, really. It was the end of July, the weather was warm, the sun was out. I had a habit of checking my phone at random hours, including if I woke up to pee or anything in the middle of the night. It was approximately 5 A.M. when I looked at my phone. I had a text from John with the message "911!!!!" We had jokingly one night decided that if we were ever discovered talking about what our lives might be like together that the one who was found out would text the other "911" as a sign that all hell broke loose. I never thought we'd have to use that. We both had lives we needed to break away from but it had to be done tactfully and within time. We were both terribly unhappy, however, we did not know the best way to break away from that situation since we both had been in it for so long.
I was stunned. I also had another text from Ashley, John's wife. This message was cryptic stating something along the lines she found our texts and would be forwarding them to my husband (we'll call him Nick). I panicked. I had not planned this. I ran into the living room and deleted messages she forwarded Nick, then laid back down. I had no idea how, but I knew I was going to have to tell him. When we woke up I told him everything. Everything involved a car ride with him screaming at me. I did not feel much of anything except that same stunned feeling. We were living at his family's house during this time because we were both going to college. I freaked out. I didn't know how I was going to get all my stuff out of that house in front of all his family. A very awkward and uncomfortable situation, but one I knew was coming eventually. My husband and I should have never been married for reason I'll go into later. I think he even knew we didn't belong together in the end, but some people are so afraid of change that they'd rather be unhappy than to create a new life for themselves.
I had no choice but to jump in the icy cold waters of change and swim toward something that was unknown, exciting, and terrifying.
In The Beginning There Were Four
*This is part 3 in the "How We Met" section
I left off with having just received John's number and sending him a friendly "good luck" text as suggested by his wife who said he gets bored on business trips. So I sent the text and went back to studying. He replied (which was expected) and I thought that was that.
Well, it wasn't. That wasn't just that. We kept sending texts back and forth. I was amused. I thought, "This guy must be bored to tears to be talking to me this much." But it was entertaining and helped break up my day filled of studying. It was just harmless conversation. We talked about anything. How his meetings went. How he hated the people he had to travel with. Where he'd eat for lunch or dinner. Movies. Ah, movies. That was (and still is) his passion. He collects them. DVDs galore. One day he had wandered into a used DVD shop and found a few movies that he was telling me about. He was about to sit down in his hotel room and watch one. Rubber. If anyone has heard of this movie they know how ridiculous the description is. It's a movie about a tire (yes, a tire, like the ones that are on your car). I thought it sounded hilarious and proceeded to search for the movie on Netflix. I found it! We watched our first movie together via text message and Netflix. Ah the power of technology!
So as his business trip came to an end I thought so to must our "friendship" or whatever it was we had developed through cell phone, pixels, and data. I thought for certain that once he returned home to his family (wife and two kids) we would no longer text or talk or anything unless us four were hanging out. I didn't think anything of it and just assumed that he had been bored and we had kept each other company for that short period of time.
Well, he didn't stop texting me. I don't even remember all of the things we talked about, but we'd talk about EVERYTHING. Feelings started cropping up into the messages. Just little things (he was VERY shy) to see if I felt anything like he was hinting at. We wanted to spend more and more time together. We set up another time for all four of us to hang out. And shortly after that, yet another night to hang out and stay over at their place (they lived about 45 mins away). I'll never forget the day when the four of us became only two.
I left off with having just received John's number and sending him a friendly "good luck" text as suggested by his wife who said he gets bored on business trips. So I sent the text and went back to studying. He replied (which was expected) and I thought that was that.
Well, it wasn't. That wasn't just that. We kept sending texts back and forth. I was amused. I thought, "This guy must be bored to tears to be talking to me this much." But it was entertaining and helped break up my day filled of studying. It was just harmless conversation. We talked about anything. How his meetings went. How he hated the people he had to travel with. Where he'd eat for lunch or dinner. Movies. Ah, movies. That was (and still is) his passion. He collects them. DVDs galore. One day he had wandered into a used DVD shop and found a few movies that he was telling me about. He was about to sit down in his hotel room and watch one. Rubber. If anyone has heard of this movie they know how ridiculous the description is. It's a movie about a tire (yes, a tire, like the ones that are on your car). I thought it sounded hilarious and proceeded to search for the movie on Netflix. I found it! We watched our first movie together via text message and Netflix. Ah the power of technology!
So as his business trip came to an end I thought so to must our "friendship" or whatever it was we had developed through cell phone, pixels, and data. I thought for certain that once he returned home to his family (wife and two kids) we would no longer text or talk or anything unless us four were hanging out. I didn't think anything of it and just assumed that he had been bored and we had kept each other company for that short period of time.
Well, he didn't stop texting me. I don't even remember all of the things we talked about, but we'd talk about EVERYTHING. Feelings started cropping up into the messages. Just little things (he was VERY shy) to see if I felt anything like he was hinting at. We wanted to spend more and more time together. We set up another time for all four of us to hang out. And shortly after that, yet another night to hang out and stay over at their place (they lived about 45 mins away). I'll never forget the day when the four of us became only two.
It All Happened So Fast
*This is part two of the "How We Met" section
So that noisy kid phone call? Wasn't a wrong number. That was intentional.
But we'll get back to that.
A day later or so (I have trouble with the timeline) I receive a text from the girl we met at that club. She was apologizing for her husband who "butt dialed" my number by accident and they had been wanting to contact us to hang out.
We spoke a while and ended up making plans to hang out. I was happy. It felt like we found another couple to hang out with and have fun. We had been looking for that. We didn't really have friends that we did consistent things with. We were bored and in need of a social life. So innocent right?
Well we hung out. It went great. But it was more than that. There was a connection. We were all amazed how much in common we had; or seemed to have.
So to put a name to the story we'll call my husband John. John had to leave for a business trip. He'd be gone a week or two (I can't remember specifically how long). I was in school and studying my butt off constantly. Only a few months until graduation and I'd have my Associate's degree. It was crunch time.
John's wife at the time (we'll call her Ashley) texted me and said that I should text John. She gave me his number. She said he'd be leaving for a while on business and he'd be terribly bored. So for kicks I sent him a text saying have a safe trip. And we've been talking ever since.
So that noisy kid phone call? Wasn't a wrong number. That was intentional.
But we'll get back to that.
A day later or so (I have trouble with the timeline) I receive a text from the girl we met at that club. She was apologizing for her husband who "butt dialed" my number by accident and they had been wanting to contact us to hang out.
We spoke a while and ended up making plans to hang out. I was happy. It felt like we found another couple to hang out with and have fun. We had been looking for that. We didn't really have friends that we did consistent things with. We were bored and in need of a social life. So innocent right?
Well we hung out. It went great. But it was more than that. There was a connection. We were all amazed how much in common we had; or seemed to have.
So to put a name to the story we'll call my husband John. John had to leave for a business trip. He'd be gone a week or two (I can't remember specifically how long). I was in school and studying my butt off constantly. Only a few months until graduation and I'd have my Associate's degree. It was crunch time.
John's wife at the time (we'll call her Ashley) texted me and said that I should text John. She gave me his number. She said he'd be leaving for a while on business and he'd be terribly bored. So for kicks I sent him a text saying have a safe trip. And we've been talking ever since.
Our Beginning
*This and the next few posts will be about how I met my husband and all the things that happened in the beginning. There are a lot of details and I don't have the time frame exactly right but all of the events DID take place. These are real people, real conversations, real events. I am changing names for the sake of privacy.
*You will also find my opinions throughout my blog. They are what I believe and I doubt anyone can say anything that will change the way I think about these things. I have a lot of experiences that have shaped my beliefs and whether or not you agree does not matter. Just read with an open mind.
*This is part one of the "How We Met" section of my blog. Please enjoy.
We met in a dark night club in the spring of 2011. We were with our spouses. The actual settings were not what you'd consider to be PG13 so I'll skip the details for now.
The important thing is that we met. The reason why we met? Because we were both in a nightmare, trapped and lost, allowing other people to determine our lives and what we did. We did not want to be in that noisy, crowded confinement that was our marriages and our current surroundings. But we went because that's what we did. We just nodded and went along with whatever we were told. To keep the peace.
So much for peace-keeping.
She approached me. His wife. We spoke briefly and exchanged information. I never expected to hear from them again. Just some random people we met in an equally random situation. Who would even remember me? I am nothing special. My best feature I believe to be is my eyes and I highly doubt that is what you could clearly see in the smoky darkness of the club.
So in a week a phone call is all it took to change the game. It was from an area code I knew no one in. And on the other line was the sounds of a car filled with children, but no voice. I chalked it up to a wrong number and continued with my Wii-Fit exercise. Who knew that those sounds were the prophetic sounds of my future? Who knew that everything I knew was going to dramatically change, beyond anything that I could have possibly hoped for?
*You will also find my opinions throughout my blog. They are what I believe and I doubt anyone can say anything that will change the way I think about these things. I have a lot of experiences that have shaped my beliefs and whether or not you agree does not matter. Just read with an open mind.
*This is part one of the "How We Met" section of my blog. Please enjoy.
We met in a dark night club in the spring of 2011. We were with our spouses. The actual settings were not what you'd consider to be PG13 so I'll skip the details for now.
The important thing is that we met. The reason why we met? Because we were both in a nightmare, trapped and lost, allowing other people to determine our lives and what we did. We did not want to be in that noisy, crowded confinement that was our marriages and our current surroundings. But we went because that's what we did. We just nodded and went along with whatever we were told. To keep the peace.
So much for peace-keeping.
She approached me. His wife. We spoke briefly and exchanged information. I never expected to hear from them again. Just some random people we met in an equally random situation. Who would even remember me? I am nothing special. My best feature I believe to be is my eyes and I highly doubt that is what you could clearly see in the smoky darkness of the club.
So in a week a phone call is all it took to change the game. It was from an area code I knew no one in. And on the other line was the sounds of a car filled with children, but no voice. I chalked it up to a wrong number and continued with my Wii-Fit exercise. Who knew that those sounds were the prophetic sounds of my future? Who knew that everything I knew was going to dramatically change, beyond anything that I could have possibly hoped for?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)